bad smut, no donut

[anotheranon]

Found at Pandagon, the Bad Sex in Fiction awardees. Some of these are so bad I have to think that the author was trying for humor rather than heat:

And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing he'd ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.

Holy run-on sentece, Batman! I've written some completely amateur smut and I at least know where to put a period!

...."Like Zorro?" I see what the author is trying to say but, non-sequitir, much?

Comments

[las.livejournal.com]

Wow. Just, wow.

[seamstrix.livejournal.com]

*Snorgle!* Wow. That's truly off-putting.

[flummoxicated.livejournal.com]

Bwuh???????????? That is so not appealing.

[anotheranon.livejournal.com]

Sex can be funny, weird, scary, passionate....but these authors sure know how to make it...awful, don't they?

[ex-idragosa.livejournal.com]

That's even worse than Penthouse Forum...

erm... from what people have said Penthouse Forum is like, yeah...

[hadesgirl.livejournal.com]

Owww!!! Make it stop!!!

[jlsjlsjls.livejournal.com]

Egad ... I never knew Arnold Rimmer wrote smut!

[anotheranon.livejournal.com]

Oh doG - you have surely cracked the code! Who else would have such... bad fevered imaginings! It's like "Terrorform" in prose!

Especially that bit with the fisting pearl (shudder)....

[jlsjlsjls.livejournal.com]

It was the run on sentence with the excessive commas, combined with the obvious lack of sexual experience (anybody whose penis rattles against the teeth needs to cut down on the iron pills), that gave him away. ;-)

[tommdroid.livejournal.com]

First reaction: "Herregud!!" Which can translate into "lord-god!!" or perhaps rather "oh god!!" in English.

And I'm an atheist. That is how badly written it is!

[nminusone.livejournal.com]

Just like you should never go to the grocery store while hungry, you should never write porn while you're actually spanking it. To quote Sally Harper: "You really haven't got enough blood for both ends, have you?"

And I think maybe the author just wanted to let you know they'd had sex with Zorro, and tried to work an intimate detail in as a subtle hint. Or something like that.

[thalionar.livejournal.com]

1) wow... just... wow.

2) next time can you put sex stuff behind a cut? some folks (like me) read LJ at work. I don't mind seeing it, but would prefer to have the option of it not showing up on my screen unannounced. Thanks much :)

[anotheranon.livejournal.com]

A fair point - I'd hate for someone to get busted at work. And clipping that would have been a relief to almost everyone, just to spare them the prose :P

Seriously - I do talk about sex a good bit in here, though this is one of the few instances that isn't filtered. You might want to check out my TMI filter poll (http://www.livejournal.com/users/anotheranon/347601.html) if you're concerned about controlling what appears on your screen.

[thalionar.livejournal.com]

ah! I don't think we'd friended each other at that point, which is why I didn't see it :)

[semmie17.livejournal.com]

Ow. This is definitely time for "disciplining a student with transformation," and I don't care what McGonigle might say.

[emerald14.livejournal.com]

which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath

Oh...God! The mental image! *Dies laughing*