bad smut, no donut

[anotheranon]

Found at Pandagon, the Bad Sex in Fiction awardees. Some of these are so bad I have to think that the author was trying for humor rather than heat:

And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing he'd ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.

Holy run-on sentece, Batman! I've written some completely amateur smut and I at least know where to put a period!

...."Like Zorro?" I see what the author is trying to say but, non-sequitir, much?

Comments

[jlsjlsjls.livejournal.com]

Egad ... I never knew Arnold Rimmer wrote smut!

[anotheranon.livejournal.com]

Oh doG - you have surely cracked the code! Who else would have such... bad fevered imaginings! It's like "Terrorform" in prose!

Especially that bit with the fisting pearl (shudder)....

[jlsjlsjls.livejournal.com]

It was the run on sentence with the excessive commas, combined with the obvious lack of sexual experience (anybody whose penis rattles against the teeth needs to cut down on the iron pills), that gave him away. ;-)