leave no trace

An acquaintance recently told me that she "never got much of a sense" of me as a person.

This doesn't surprise or offend me, as the contexts in which we know each other are semi-professional conferences, and shining in the midst of large groups of accomplished people has never been one of my strengths. Mostly I'm just trying to keep up with the many conversations going on, and I'm acutely aware that I'm often the one with little expertise to share, so I tend to listen more than talk.

It is kind of depressing though because it leaves me wondering just how many social situations there are in which I'm so focused on keeping my head above water (socially and intellectually) that I just don't make an impression at all. I don't think I'm stupid or can't keep up - I'm not and I can. I just don't stand out, and I realize that a lot of it is my own failing.

As a kid I got used to being made fun of if I tried to step up; a bad stalking situation right after college left me unwilling to distinguish myself in any way. Now it's just habit, a reflexive shrinking away of anything that would make me have to be the center of attention.

It's not too late for me to be something more than ordinary but I've got to get over the fear that it's physically risky to do so because it most likely won't be. Again, I have to learn a new perspective on things to get moving forward.

summer reading

I'm packing for the Atlanta trip. Given hours in airports/planes + last minute no-roommate for Nationals, I plan to take advantage of quiet time by reading. Of course, I'm taking far more than I'll actually get to, but hey - it's me:

Glut (mentioned previously)

Soulless, because the interview over at I Should Be Writing made it sound like a historic hoot and a half

Valente's Palimpsest, because shemhazai and others have recommended it and it was nominated for n awards

Badass Faeries 3, as it's always good to have bite size stories, and these are hilarious (HT jlsjlsjls)

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, because I was intrigued by it's coverage on NPR and after reading a fragment on Google books I picked it up. That the protagonist is a damaged but brilliant punk girl sold it.

What are you reading this summer?