leave no trace

[anotheranon]

An acquaintance recently told me that she "never got much of a sense" of me as a person.

This doesn't surprise or offend me, as the contexts in which we know each other are semi-professional conferences, and shining in the midst of large groups of accomplished people has never been one of my strengths. Mostly I'm just trying to keep up with the many conversations going on, and I'm acutely aware that I'm often the one with little expertise to share, so I tend to listen more than talk.

It is kind of depressing though because it leaves me wondering just how many social situations there are in which I'm so focused on keeping my head above water (socially and intellectually) that I just don't make an impression at all. I don't think I'm stupid or can't keep up - I'm not and I can. I just don't stand out, and I realize that a lot of it is my own failing.

As a kid I got used to being made fun of if I tried to step up; a bad stalking situation right after college left me unwilling to distinguish myself in any way. Now it's just habit, a reflexive shrinking away of anything that would make me have to be the center of attention.

It's not too late for me to be something more than ordinary but I've got to get over the fear that it's physically risky to do so because it most likely won't be. Again, I have to learn a new perspective on things to get moving forward.

Comments

[semmie17.livejournal.com]

Pfft.

In my professional opinion, having met you in person and known you online for a decade now.

Pfft, I say. Pfft.

I shall always cherish your "Zen Cats Writing Computer Code" imitation in Toronto. Granted, it was fueled by a fine choice of whisky, but still... It was indelible.

I don't think this so-called aquaintance was really paying attention to you. I suspect that in turn most people don't get a sense of her, either.

Pfft.

[tommdroid.livejournal.com]

I second this Pfft.

[anotheranon.livejournal.com]

This is kind of you - thank you :) It is nice to know I make a favorable impression sometimes!

To be fair, I only ever run into said acquaintance in extremely busy venues. In such a situation I'd probably have to BE a Zen-coding cat to stand out :P

[tommdroid.livejournal.com]

I've never ever seen you as ordinary.

Of course I had a head start when meeting you IRL, I'd seen you playful at the KEB, I had read your fictions, and I had enjoyed co-moderating a list full of crazy women with you. You have that delightful combination of being skilled, inventive and levelheaded, something that not many have.

Are you sure you understood that woman the way she wanted to come off?

My first impression of you IRL was that you are one of these who got the "abit mysterious" thing working for them. You are not a person that is like an open book, it takes more than 10 minutes to see your basics, but on my account that only makes you more interesting, and not in any way ordinary.

It's always a good thing to work with oneself and improving, just don't loose yourself in the process. :-)

[anotheranon.livejournal.com]

Are you sure you understood that woman the way she wanted to come off?

It's possible I didn't. It's also possible that her response is based on the hectic situations that we are always in together (see my reply to Semmie upthread).

Thank you for the kind words :) I never thought I was pulling off the mysterious thing! Kewl :)

[(Anonymous)]

You CAN be mysterious! ... but then your sense of humor kicks in and your friends are too busy laughing along with you. *g*

It's true, though, that you shine much more brightly in less hectic situations. When you're relaxed, you're enormously fun to be with. :D