leave no trace
Jun. 30th, 2010 07:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
anotheranonAn acquaintance recently told me that she "never got much of a sense" of me as a person.
This doesn't surprise or offend me, as the contexts in which we know each other are semi-professional conferences, and shining in the midst of large groups of accomplished people has never been one of my strengths. Mostly I'm just trying to keep up with the many conversations going on, and I'm acutely aware that I'm often the one with little expertise to share, so I tend to listen more than talk.
It is kind of depressing though because it leaves me wondering just how many social situations there are in which I'm so focused on keeping my head above water (socially and intellectually) that I just don't make an impression at all. I don't think I'm stupid or can't keep up - I'm not and I can. I just don't stand out, and I realize that a lot of it is my own failing.
As a kid I got used to being made fun of if I tried to step up; a bad stalking situation right after college left me unwilling to distinguish myself in any way. Now it's just habit, a reflexive shrinking away of anything that would make me have to be the center of attention.
It's not too late for me to be something more than ordinary but I've got to get over the fear that it's physically risky to do so because it most likely won't be. Again, I have to learn a new perspective on things to get moving forward.
This doesn't surprise or offend me, as the contexts in which we know each other are semi-professional conferences, and shining in the midst of large groups of accomplished people has never been one of my strengths. Mostly I'm just trying to keep up with the many conversations going on, and I'm acutely aware that I'm often the one with little expertise to share, so I tend to listen more than talk.
It is kind of depressing though because it leaves me wondering just how many social situations there are in which I'm so focused on keeping my head above water (socially and intellectually) that I just don't make an impression at all. I don't think I'm stupid or can't keep up - I'm not and I can. I just don't stand out, and I realize that a lot of it is my own failing.
As a kid I got used to being made fun of if I tried to step up; a bad stalking situation right after college left me unwilling to distinguish myself in any way. Now it's just habit, a reflexive shrinking away of anything that would make me have to be the center of attention.
It's not too late for me to be something more than ordinary but I've got to get over the fear that it's physically risky to do so because it most likely won't be. Again, I have to learn a new perspective on things to get moving forward.
