crying = blackmail?

[anotheranon]

Last night I got an email - one of those things that circulates between friends, like it does. The title: "Guys Rules". Most of this was a list of stereotypes about men that while unflattering (and, often grossly inaccurate) are largely inoffensive (guys never ask for directions, can't remember anniversaries, football Sunday is inevitable). But one jumped out at me: "Crying is blackmail."

I know the idea is out there outside of this email - one of my prior supervisors was vocal that he viewed women's tears as manipulation(!) My friend didn't send me the email to deliberately offend me, but that one just stuck in my craw not only because it is so outrageously dismissive, but because IMHO it's absolutely not true!

I'd rather have teeth pulled that cry. I'd rather have them pulled along with my toenails than cry in front of another person. I learned early on that little girls who cry get a lot MORE shit at school, so I trained myself out of it, to a large degree. I trained myself so well that I often can't cry when I KNOW it would be a much needed release.

In other words, if ever you see me cry, it's because I absolutely, positively CANNOT stop myself, and if I was ever accused of crying to manipulate someone I'd be livid.

Of course, that's my own experience, so I have to ask: can women - ANY woman - really "turn on the waterworks" at will, for whatever reason? I don't mean covering their face with their hands and "faking" it, I mean genuine, rolling tears that keep on coming.

Also, am I the only one whose ever heard anyone say "crying is blackmail" or similar "in the wild" so to speak? If so, what was the context? Where/how did this myth get circulation in the first place?

Just to muddy the waters further, I'm willing to consider that the ability/need to cry might be hormonally based; last week I was reading a blog entry by a female-to-male (FTM) transexual who was talking about the difficulties of crying after transition (I'll post a link if I can find it. As of posting, I've searched for half an hour for the post with no luck). I'm very resistant to the idea that gender/hormones govern everything we do so tightly and absolutely, but I'm putting it out there for discussion.

And though I know I'll be irritated if I get a "yes" to this - does anyone reading believe that women can cry at will?

And yes, I'm aware that the plural of "anecdote" isn't "data" - I'm just curious.

Comments

[timcharmorbien.livejournal.com]

I've heard stories of women doing this, but in each case it was an individual noted as being very manipulative. I've never actually SEEN this behaviour in RL, just (as JLS noted) in movies and television. I think it's one of those unfair generalizations not only about women but about men's supposed inability to deal with emotional displays. Certainly a lot of men my age were told as children that "big boys don't cry", let alone "real" men. I suppose anyone unable to handle emotional display might feel that people who DO display their emotions are trying to manipulate them, when in fact they could just be crying - - it happens.
I suppose the only reason you don't hear about manipulative men "turning on the waterworks" is because it would tend to have the opposite effect - - some men really do consider such displays a sign of weakness, an unfortunate side effect of our John Wayne culture - - so there would be no point.

[tommdroid.livejournal.com]

I've had a male project team minion crying in my phone, claiming I could not ask him to do his job because it was too technical...but he still wanted his salary bonus for doing it. And he was really upset when I did not give up/in and let him have it his way.

Needless to say, I got quite baffled and is still today quite proud I did remain calm and did not fall for it.

[anotheranon.livejournal.com]

I suppose anyone unable to handle emotional display might feel that people who DO display their emotions are trying to manipulate them, when in fact they could just be crying - - it happens.

It seems that there are two interpretations of crying emerging in the comments: 1) it's manipulation or 2) it's a sign of mental/emotional weakness. I admit I sometimes get irritated at "tears in inappropriate places" (like work) because of my own reticence - I can keep it together 'til I get home, why can't they? It's a failing on my part - I need to remember that crying is ok, sometimes unavoidable, and often very cleansing.