on the domestic "glass ceiling"
Aug. 20th, 2006 08:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
anotheranonHmm...
Ran across this discussion of a new book, Get To Work: A Manifesto for Women of the World. While I'm not keen on the term "sexual bargaining" (what the author advocates is that women need to conciously negotiate domestic duties with their partners, a discussion which is less about sex than it is about housework), I do think that it's a concept whose time has come - so much is assumed about who does the housework and whose career matters more in (straight) relationships that if you have any ambitions to do something different (in this case, if you're a woman who wants a high powered career), you really do need to spell it out.
First, some extensive disclaimers: I've not read the book (yet?) so I can't speak to the contents thereof. I HAVE read this article by the same author, that argues the "choice" of women to stay at home with children is often no choice at all, given societal/family expectations that often drive that decision.
Nor do I mean to suggest that men, as a group, are sitting in dark rooms, conspiring together to make women do all the housework and childcare, twirling their villian-style black moustaches all the while :P Nor do I suggest that all women who DO take time off or quit their jobs to raise children are naive milquetoasts who don't realize that doing so will impact their careers.
Finally, I'm not talking about women who genuinely WANT to stay home with their kids, or who aren't intensively career-oriented.
I don't even want to get into people who truly love cleaning toilets and vacuuming. I suppose they're out there, but for the purposes of this post I'm assuming that housework is grunt work that really no one wants to do, but that has to get done somehow :P
Having said all this: I do think the need to conciously negotiate domestic duties with your partner is often completely overlooked due to the fact that almost everyone is raised with assumptions of Who Does What at home, and that if you're a woman with a high powered career who also wants to have a domestic arrangement with a man, you have GOT to get these issues explicitly out on the table if you don't want to be stuck with all of the housework/childcare.
I speak from experience. It's only been in the past couple of years that I've learned that I don't have to do all the housework - the idea that I could ask D. to do some of it simply didn't occur to me until I got completely overwhelmed. And though I can't speak for D., I don't think it occurred to him to pitch in (much) until he saw that I was getting overwhelmed. Not because I'm a pushover or he's an evil oppressor, but because neither of us knew any different.
I cannot even imagine what the divide would be like if we had children: indeed, it's my virtual certainty that I'd be doing all the grunt work (again, not through design, but by accident) that was a major influence on my decision not to have kids. Again, that assumption comes not out of D. being an evil oppressor, but simply out of the combined weight of familial pressure and 2,000 years of western civilization that says that That's What Women Do. Given my reluctance to share the housework, I think it would have been almost impossible for me to have resisted the pressure to cave in and stay home (or at least feel bad that I wasn't).
Not sure how I wanted to conclude this except to say that it's really hard to see the influence of "the script" when you're in it, and even harder to buck trends even when you know they're damaging. Please read the linked articles, because it outlines the arguments far, far better than I've done here (I HATE it when I'm trying to think aloud and can't muster the words I want to convey my ideas. But that's another post). I don't have an answer becase the world isn't "one size fits all", but I think it's always time to question norms that aren't to our benefit.
Ran across this discussion of a new book, Get To Work: A Manifesto for Women of the World. While I'm not keen on the term "sexual bargaining" (what the author advocates is that women need to conciously negotiate domestic duties with their partners, a discussion which is less about sex than it is about housework), I do think that it's a concept whose time has come - so much is assumed about who does the housework and whose career matters more in (straight) relationships that if you have any ambitions to do something different (in this case, if you're a woman who wants a high powered career), you really do need to spell it out.
First, some extensive disclaimers: I've not read the book (yet?) so I can't speak to the contents thereof. I HAVE read this article by the same author, that argues the "choice" of women to stay at home with children is often no choice at all, given societal/family expectations that often drive that decision.
Nor do I mean to suggest that men, as a group, are sitting in dark rooms, conspiring together to make women do all the housework and childcare, twirling their villian-style black moustaches all the while :P Nor do I suggest that all women who DO take time off or quit their jobs to raise children are naive milquetoasts who don't realize that doing so will impact their careers.
Finally, I'm not talking about women who genuinely WANT to stay home with their kids, or who aren't intensively career-oriented.
I don't even want to get into people who truly love cleaning toilets and vacuuming. I suppose they're out there, but for the purposes of this post I'm assuming that housework is grunt work that really no one wants to do, but that has to get done somehow :P
Having said all this: I do think the need to conciously negotiate domestic duties with your partner is often completely overlooked due to the fact that almost everyone is raised with assumptions of Who Does What at home, and that if you're a woman with a high powered career who also wants to have a domestic arrangement with a man, you have GOT to get these issues explicitly out on the table if you don't want to be stuck with all of the housework/childcare.
I speak from experience. It's only been in the past couple of years that I've learned that I don't have to do all the housework - the idea that I could ask D. to do some of it simply didn't occur to me until I got completely overwhelmed. And though I can't speak for D., I don't think it occurred to him to pitch in (much) until he saw that I was getting overwhelmed. Not because I'm a pushover or he's an evil oppressor, but because neither of us knew any different.
I cannot even imagine what the divide would be like if we had children: indeed, it's my virtual certainty that I'd be doing all the grunt work (again, not through design, but by accident) that was a major influence on my decision not to have kids. Again, that assumption comes not out of D. being an evil oppressor, but simply out of the combined weight of familial pressure and 2,000 years of western civilization that says that That's What Women Do. Given my reluctance to share the housework, I think it would have been almost impossible for me to have resisted the pressure to cave in and stay home (or at least feel bad that I wasn't).
Not sure how I wanted to conclude this except to say that it's really hard to see the influence of "the script" when you're in it, and even harder to buck trends even when you know they're damaging. Please read the linked articles, because it outlines the arguments far, far better than I've done here (I HATE it when I'm trying to think aloud and can't muster the words I want to convey my ideas. But that's another post). I don't have an answer becase the world isn't "one size fits all", but I think it's always time to question norms that aren't to our benefit.
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no subject
Date: 2006-08-21 01:16 am (UTC)This is one of the rules in our house - whoever cooks, does not clean. I admit I do most of the cooking because I know what I like and how I want it done. I leave Big Cooking (holidays, things that have to be monitored/basted for hours on end) to him.
Is this normal for a guy or is he a mutant after all. Any opinions out there?
Depends on what "this" is. If "this" is housework, IMHO all men are capable of doing it, but not all of them are taught. I think the ability is highly individual and based on his upbringing and life experience (I suspect that growing up without Mom doing everything but wiping his ass combined with ample time as a single guy who had to fend for himself in the kitchen helps :P)
Now, if by "it" you mean he actually ENJOYS housework, you've got a freak on your hands. Seriously - take him to a geneticist to see if he's not part cat or something :P
no subject
Date: 2006-08-21 01:19 am (UTC)Not that I'm complaining, mind you...! I would never look THAT gift horse in the mouth!
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Date: 2006-08-21 10:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-22 02:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-22 02:46 am (UTC)Not to say I keep a dirty home, but he really does like to get down and clean! I came in tonight from doing something outside and found him sweeping, running the hand attachment along all the baseboards to get the dust out of the corners!