anotheranon | You might be a redneck _____

For those who have not been so blessed as to discover these in their inboxes, I cut for brevity:

You May be a Redneck Vampire If:

1. They call you "Colonel Dracula" or "Boss Feratu."

2. You crypt is decorated with NASCAR posters.

3. You are repelled by garlic, but attracted to cayenne pepper.

4. Ironically, crosses now burn YOU.

5. There are tobacco juice stains on your fangs.

6. You can turn into a possum, alligator, or raccoon.

7. Your ghoulish servant subsists on june bugs and boll weevils.

8. Moonshine turns you into a howling beast. (Heck, it does that to ever'body.)

9. Your favorite songs include "Southern Nights," "Bad Moon Rising," and "Elvira."

10. There are several half-junked hearses parked in front of your castle. The one that still runs has nekkid lady mudflaps and a Bela Lugosi bobblehead on the dash.

11. Your three brides wear denim short-shorts and plaid shirts tied up in the front.

12. Your victims wake up complaining about "big skeeters."

13. Your place was haunted until the ghosts moved out, muttering something about "property values."

14. You ask for O Negative syrup at the Waffle House. It comes with a side of grits.

15. You can't get into the blood bank, so you try the Payday Advance place.

You might be a redneck wizard if:

Your favorite robes are made of denim.

You use your jar of Floo Powder as an ashtray.

Your wand has a glitter finish.

You use House Elves as clay pigeons at a skeet shoot.

Your familiar gets more O.W.L.S. than you do.

You watch Quidditch in your underwear.

Your crystal ball breaks and you just set a smaller crystal ball on top of it.

You Tarot Cards have pictures of Hooters girls on the backs.

Your evil plot to take over Slytherin House involves two M-80's and a bottle of Grandma's moonshine.

You learned to be an Animagus so you could spend more quality time with your bloodhound.

You have the only Nimbus in school with a gun rack.

You get slapped with a Muggle Secrecy fine because you pissed off your trailer and it ran away.

You've got a crush on Snape because he's better looking than any male in your family...and several of them have proposed to you.

You address more than three Housemates as "Cousin."

You've ever rewritten the rules of Quidditch to incorporate monster trucks.

Your front yard is littered with busted wands, brooms, and an old flying carpet you bought for six Sickles off some fella who claimed it was a classic.

You thought the Golden Snitch was the blonde who ratted you out in Alchemy class for making moonshine.

Your Muggle friends invite you over for a game of Dungeons & Dragons, and you bring a real dragon.

You've ever been arrested for Flying While Intoxicated.

Your Patronus has a Remington 3006 with a laser scope and a hair trigger.

You board the Hogwart's Express with your child because you're both in the same year.

Draco Malfoy calls you a Mudblood and you are flattered.

You think you should have Hagrid's job because he just doesn't think bid enough.

You've ever paid the Whomping Willow to beat up your sister's ex.

You thought Sirius Black came out of Azkaban looking remarkably well-groomed.

You've ever moved your trailer and found a Troll.

Your teacup has too few tea leaves to use in Divination because it was mostly fire whiskey.

You were disappointed when Harry didn't get to chug the Goblet of Fire.

The Ministry of Magic has ever accused you of lying through your tooth.

The Weasleys strike you as aristocratic and refined.

You suspect Mad-Eye Moody was modeled after an uncle of yours.

You've ever used your wand as a TV remote.

Your broomstick is held together with duct tape and Bond-O...and regularly sees duty as a makeshift fishing pole.

Your final project for Care of Magical Creatures was teaching a Hippogriff how to point and retrieve.

You gave Professor Dumbledore a pair of camouflage thermal hunting socks for Christmas.

Professor Spout busts you for growing marijuana in Greenhouse Seven.

You've ever lost more than a week's pay betting on a Chocolate Frog race.

You've ever written Bernie Bott's to complain that there are no Spam-flavored beans.

You thought Dumbledore should have sent Harry a .38 instead of a sword in Chamber of Secrets.

You've ever tried to toast marshmallows over Fawkes.

You never get mail anymore because you've bagged too many owls.

That tattoo of your ex-girlfriend never shuts up.

You got in trouble for getting the House Elves addicted to Skoal.

You've ever gone Hippogriff-tipping.

You missed the Quidditch World Cup because there was a big NASCAR race the same day.

Snape deducted fifty point because you set up a still in the Potions Lab (then gave them back when you offered him a cut of the profits).

You looked into the Mirror of Erised and saw yourself in a fire-engine-red 4 X 4 extended cab pickup truck.

James Potter stopped coming around after he saw your trophy wall.

You joined the Death Eaters for the kick-ass free tattoo.

You yell "Riddikulus!" and your Boggart turns into a double-wide.

Arthur Weasley raided your house because you kept lending animated Playboy pinups to your Muggle pals.