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Apr. 19th, 2009 03:56 pmBeen thinking a little about the "killer instinct", the competitive urge that drives some athletes to despair. I kind of don't have it.
I thought I knew why. Prior to fencing my only experience with competitive sports was on the playground/gym class at school, and I was the stereotypical last kid picked for everything, because I wasn't good at any of it and didn't particularly want to be there. I remember the complaints from my classmates that I wasn't killing myself to win at all costs. They were annoying, and combined with not choosing to be there I just couldn't care that much.
Fencing is a little different - I do choose to be there, and so I do care how well I do. I am often self conscious because I feel like I'm not picking it up as fast as everyone else, like V. has to hammer the basics (no wrist, stronger faster more) in over and over before I "get it". I've never been a quick study at anything, so while it's nothing new it's a long-going source of frustration.
At the same time, because this is the only sport I've ever done, I'm often amazed at what I *can* do: They let ordinary mortals like me into NACs? No way!, I got 3 touches on a C-rated, AWESOME! I qualified for Nationals by the skin of my teeth? Are you sure?
I'm guessing my expectations are just lower than someone who has been competing for awhile, has a rating, long experience with competitive anything, etc. In my mind I'm still the great dane crawling under the table after the dachsies: I'm not made for it and shouldn't even be there so I'm amazed when I'm able to make it through without turning the table over :P
This isn't always good. I'm finding that I don't set goals very well because I don't expect to achieve them. I also don't push myself as hard as I might because I don't think I'm going to get that touch/win that bout/whatever anyway, so I might as well have some breath left when I'm done.
Still working on that one - how to work harder/do better without the desire to succeed getting to me. I've felt the sting of I saw what they were doing, why didn't I get that, I've defeated them before, why not now? and the "coulda woulda shoulda" never fails to psych me out. I panic and start doing dumb stuff.
I try never to envy or get pissed at my opponents though. There's always someone better, and always someone worse, and I run into MANY people who have more experience or just inborn talent than I.
Though seeing that kid across the club tearing up the strip, who's only been at it 3 months? Yeah, that kinda sucks :P
I thought I knew why. Prior to fencing my only experience with competitive sports was on the playground/gym class at school, and I was the stereotypical last kid picked for everything, because I wasn't good at any of it and didn't particularly want to be there. I remember the complaints from my classmates that I wasn't killing myself to win at all costs. They were annoying, and combined with not choosing to be there I just couldn't care that much.
Fencing is a little different - I do choose to be there, and so I do care how well I do. I am often self conscious because I feel like I'm not picking it up as fast as everyone else, like V. has to hammer the basics (no wrist, stronger faster more) in over and over before I "get it". I've never been a quick study at anything, so while it's nothing new it's a long-going source of frustration.
At the same time, because this is the only sport I've ever done, I'm often amazed at what I *can* do: They let ordinary mortals like me into NACs? No way!, I got 3 touches on a C-rated, AWESOME! I qualified for Nationals by the skin of my teeth? Are you sure?
I'm guessing my expectations are just lower than someone who has been competing for awhile, has a rating, long experience with competitive anything, etc. In my mind I'm still the great dane crawling under the table after the dachsies: I'm not made for it and shouldn't even be there so I'm amazed when I'm able to make it through without turning the table over :P
This isn't always good. I'm finding that I don't set goals very well because I don't expect to achieve them. I also don't push myself as hard as I might because I don't think I'm going to get that touch/win that bout/whatever anyway, so I might as well have some breath left when I'm done.
Still working on that one - how to work harder/do better without the desire to succeed getting to me. I've felt the sting of I saw what they were doing, why didn't I get that, I've defeated them before, why not now? and the "coulda woulda shoulda" never fails to psych me out. I panic and start doing dumb stuff.
I try never to envy or get pissed at my opponents though. There's always someone better, and always someone worse, and I run into MANY people who have more experience or just inborn talent than I.
Though seeing that kid across the club tearing up the strip, who's only been at it 3 months? Yeah, that kinda sucks :P
