never enough
Oct. 25th, 2009 09:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
anotheranonIt's good to be back in the competitive swing of things, but frustrating too.
The good: I kept my head on throughout pools and direct elimination. More specifically, I stayed focused on my target and managed to smack down nerves/arrogance/ other emotions that might have kicked me out of the moment and sabotaged my game. Physically, I was able to keep up irregular timing and distance all day without tearing myself up too bad.
The bad: I still lack confidence in my attacks, pulling up short because I feel like I have to make a parry to keep right of way, and I'm not getting my fool self out of distance when I miss, even though I physically can. The annoying mental cycling of "opponent is unrated, this will be easy/oh )(*CK, they're tiny and fast!" though controlled, still cropped up - do I never learn anything the first time? I'm not in pain, but my shin muscles are a bit stiff and "sticky".
The mixed: I finished 3rd and got a shiny, but it was 3 out of 6 and I placed the same out of the same number of people at the same competition a year ago (not the exact same 6 of us, if that makes sense). D. jokes that I don't know how to enjoy my successes and I hate to sound ungrateful/unimpressed but I somehow hoped? Thought? I'd place higher.
Placement and ratings don't count in the grand scheme - I definitely had a clearer head and more physical stamina than I did a year ago, but sometimes simple numbers make me feel like I'm treading water.
To do: get a clubmate/film/2nd set of eyes to confirm or deny that I really am hitching my attacks. Stretch every day, even non-practice days. Compete at least once a month to get used to competing again. Continue meditating because it seems to keep anxiety at bay.
The good: I kept my head on throughout pools and direct elimination. More specifically, I stayed focused on my target and managed to smack down nerves/arrogance/ other emotions that might have kicked me out of the moment and sabotaged my game. Physically, I was able to keep up irregular timing and distance all day without tearing myself up too bad.
The bad: I still lack confidence in my attacks, pulling up short because I feel like I have to make a parry to keep right of way, and I'm not getting my fool self out of distance when I miss, even though I physically can. The annoying mental cycling of "opponent is unrated, this will be easy/oh )(*CK, they're tiny and fast!" though controlled, still cropped up - do I never learn anything the first time? I'm not in pain, but my shin muscles are a bit stiff and "sticky".
The mixed: I finished 3rd and got a shiny, but it was 3 out of 6 and I placed the same out of the same number of people at the same competition a year ago (not the exact same 6 of us, if that makes sense). D. jokes that I don't know how to enjoy my successes and I hate to sound ungrateful/unimpressed but I somehow hoped? Thought? I'd place higher.
Placement and ratings don't count in the grand scheme - I definitely had a clearer head and more physical stamina than I did a year ago, but sometimes simple numbers make me feel like I'm treading water.
To do: get a clubmate/film/2nd set of eyes to confirm or deny that I really am hitching my attacks. Stretch every day, even non-practice days. Compete at least once a month to get used to competing again. Continue meditating because it seems to keep anxiety at bay.
